Navigating Grief with Mindfulness

Me and my dad circa 1978 on the best velour couch ever

It’s been one week since my dad died. I don't think you can ever be ready when a forever kind of loved one leaves this world. Yet, life marches on. At first, it was hour by hour. Then, day by day. We are the lucky ones who get to live another day, another breath, another hug. So, I am slowly finding my way in a different world. A world where my rock of a dad is not watching TV in his recliner, drinking coffee, smoking his cancer sticks, petting his dog, or ranting about politics or his sons. But I feel him in myself, in my extended family, in so many classic rock songs. I feel his gift of zero F’s given and find myself rooting out BS wherever I can. I've enjoyed a strange new closeness with relatives stepping in and taking care of me and each other.

Here are the strategies that have been helping me cope with the hardest kind of pain, the death of a loved one.

Feel It

Let yourself feel the pain, anger, sadness, and whatever other emotions arise. I default to crying a lot and it has exhausted me, but it has also felt good to let it out as it arrives. I cried on and off at the hospital during his final days and gave myself all the ugly crying I wanted at home in my safe space. I’ve cried in Costco, on an airplane, and in the shower. My brothers felt more anger and frustration and I could tell they felt lighter when they shared some of their pain too. I tend to want to bury these bigger emotions or move on from them quickly. I’ve had to learn the hard way that it’s best to feel and embrace your suffering otherwise it will continually come back to bite you in the ass.

Music

My dad playing guitar with my little dude during a visit

During my dads final days and moments I noticed that he seemed to calm when I sang to him. It was one of the most beautiful and difficult moments of my life when I sang to him during his final moments and he took his last breath as I finished a song. The first moment I felt like myself in the 24 hours following my dad passing was listening to music and singing along to classic rock music that reminded me of him. I keep coming back to music. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me sing, sometimes it makes me smile. It often just feels good.

Movement

Hiking is saving my life once again. This is me on top of Valencia Peak at Montana de Oro State Park.

My brother said it best, “Gotta keep moving”. Mere existence was all I could muster for a few days. Doing minor chores and journaling, sitting on the porch, and walking my neighborhood was enough at first. I eventually found my way to a longer hike in nature this week. Although, I felt so weak and tired, and my legs cramped a lot, it felt good to sweat, breath, and be in nature. I was better for it the next day too. So, I'm moving a little more every day for future Roxy. I love this picture of me at the top of a mountain this week because you can see my sharp shin bones which I get from my dad.

Mindfulness

I'm not going to lie. I feel the pull of sadness and depression frequently right now. I need a lot of sleep and my energy, mood, mindset, and appetite are erratic. I am generally trying to be kind to myself and mindful where I can and it's helped, even when it doesn't feel like it's working in the moment.

Me taking in some fresh Detroit River air after my dad passed

Mindfulness can take on so many forms. It’s basically the practice of bringing your awareness to the present moment, accepting your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations as they arise (and letting them pass). Here are some ways I've been connecting with mindfulness lately:

Soft Mind

I’ve had to remember I am not my mind and I’ve tried hard not to get overly attached to my thoughts and stories surrounding this mega loss. Your mind might start spinning and you might need some processing time. Every day I’ve tried walking outside, even if just a quick stroll, and I found much comfort in watching the birds and squirrels. Journaling has felt good during those peak emotional moments and after. Take breaks from your incessant mind chaos with just 1-3 deep breaths. Focus on your breath, your body, the world around you. Release your shoulders from your ears, relax your jaw, and soften your face. It feels good, I promise. My friend called it Stop, Drop, and Roll: Stop the thoughts for a second, drop into your body, and roll your shoulders and body out a bit.

Focus Inward & Good Inputs

Try to focus inward for at least a few weeks but if you must interact with the world, focus on taking in “good stuffs” such as reasonably nutritious foods, books, content, stories and people. Be careful of the toxic stuffs like negative people or shows, too much toxic food, alcohol or drugs. I really feel like my father’s death is a bit of a pivot point and catalyst opportunity for growth and I don’t want to miss this chance to learn the many wisdom lessons being served to me right now. I have really enjoyed the book With The End In Mind: Dying, Death, and Wisdom in the Age of Denial and the Plum Village App Guided Meditations. I also want to read this book How to Live When a Loved One Dies: Healing Meditations for Grief and Loss or another by Zen Buddhist Master Thich Nhat Hahn. I love his style of practical Buddhism and I’ve learned a lot from his work recently. When I searched “grief” in my preferred music app, I found more playlists, podcasts, and audiobooks I might explore. On a lighter note, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and some light romcom TV shows have helped distract me in a good way.

Space to be

I'm grateful for the quiet moments without much going on. I don't feel like being around a ton of people. I have lightened my work schedule where I could, leaned on my husband for kid care and meals, and have taken it easy a bit. I can barely keep track of my life, am forgetful, and exhausted. The things that usually matter just don’t right now. I am trying to recognize this and focus inward for now and take space where I can.

Friend & Family Support

My friends, family, and acquaintances have showed up for me in so many little ways this week that feel so big. My friends stuffed my fridge, brought me memories, and let me talk about it. My hubs is playing with the kids so much and giving them stability when I just can’t. I am trying to ask for help when I can, which I am honestly terrible at! The strangers who can sense my pain have been so lovely and kind as well. It’s been a good reminder that having loving relationships in your life is so important.

Conclusion

I hope you and your loved ones find some moments of peace amongst the suffering and pain that accompanies loss and death.

My home altar for my dad has been a nice refuge and place to talk to him and process