A Guide To Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg
We humans are such social creatures. Throughout human history humans have lived in groups, forming families, tribes, and societies to work together for mutual benefit. We have the unique ability to feel empathy. We have a deep psychological and physiological need for social interaction. Yet, why does it feel so hard to feel connected, seen, heard, and valued in today’s world? Why do we walk away from so many social interactions feeling down?
Engaging in meaningful social interactions helps us thrive both individually and collectively. And the ability to effectively communicate and connect is at the heart of every human interaction. Whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or broader societal discussions, the way we express ourselves can either create connection or deepen conflict. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life provides a framework for fostering understanding, empathy, and collaboration through a method he calls Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
I found my way to this book as I pondered ways to better practice loving speech and deep listening as part of my commitment to practicing the Five Mindfulness Trainings and practical Buddhism with the greater Plum Village Community. Plum Village is a global community of mindfulness practice centres offering retreats and teachings on engaged Buddhism and the art of mindful living, founded by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. My husband has had a copy of this book on our bookshelf for the last 15 years. He always spoke highly of this book and it felt like a good time for me to finally do more than read the back cover.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a communication approach that emphasizes compassion, active listening, and expressing oneself in a way that avoids blame, criticism, and judgment. It is designed to help people resolve conflicts peacefully and build relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
Rosenberg defines NVC as having four key components:
Observation – Clearly state what is happening in a situation without interpretation or evaluation. This means describing facts rather than judgments. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” one could say, “I noticed that when I was talking earlier, you were looking at your phone.”
Feelings – Express how the situation makes you feel, rather than attributing blame. Using “I” statements helps take responsibility for one’s emotions. For instance, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard” rather than “You make me angry.”
Needs – Identify the underlying needs behind those feelings. Rosenberg argues that all human actions are attempts to meet universal needs, such as connection, security, or understanding. By recognizing these needs, we can address the root cause of conflicts rather than just the symptoms.
Requests – Make clear, specific, and actionable requests rather than demands. A request should be something that the other person can reasonably do and should not be framed as a command. For example, “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?” rather than “Stop ignoring me.”
Why is Non Violent Communication Important?
NVC helps people communicate in a way that fosters mutual respect and cooperation. By focusing on needs and feelings rather than accusations and demands, conversations become less adversarial and more productive. This approach has been used in diverse settings, including personal relationships, workplaces, schools, and even conflict resolution efforts in war-torn regions. Some of the stories of using this way of communicating with people ravaged by violence are very powerful.
Benefits of Practicing NVC
Reduces misunderstandings by promoting clear and honest communication.
Builds stronger relationships through empathy and mutual understanding.
Helps resolve conflicts peacefully by addressing underlying needs rather than engaging in the blame game.
Encourages emotional intelligence by making individuals more aware of their own feelings and needs.
Promotes personal growth by fostering self-awareness and mindful communication.
Practical Applications of NVC
One of the most powerful aspects of NVC is its adaptability. Whether it’s used in parenting, workplace communication, romantic relationships, or even self-talk, the principles remain the same.
In Relationships: Instead of saying, “You never support me,” one might say, “I feel overwhelmed and could really use some help with this project. Would you be willing to assist me?”
At Work: Instead of, “You’re always late with your reports,” a more NVC-aligned statement would be, “I feel stressed when reports are delayed because it affects the whole team’s workflow. Can we find a way to ensure deadlines are met?”
With Yourself: Practicing self-compassion is a key element of NVC. Instead of telling yourself, “I’m so stupid for making that mistake,” you might say, “I feel frustrated about this mistake because I value accuracy. How can I learn from this?”
Final Thoughts
As a person who struggles with a loud inner critic, guilt, judge, and default towards the anger I grew up surrounded by, I found the language in this book fascinating. It felt felt like he was speaking another language yet the words were simple enough. Every sentence was so much more heartfelt, pragmatic and clear. He tells a lot of good stories in the book of how he almost always leads with deep listening and observation. Some favorite quotes from the book…
“Anger is not about what a person does but the stories in our head surrounding what happens.”
“Humans are always behaving towards their unmet needs or values. When you do something you feel a little regretful about, think about what unmet needs you might have been trying to meet or express.”
Nonviolent Communication is more than just a communication technique—it’s an intriguing mindset that fosters deeper connection, understanding, and empathy. If you’re looking to improve the way you communicate and want to cultivate more meaningful relationships, Nonviolent Communication is a must-read. It’s a book that offers not just a method but a philosophy—one that has the potential to transform the way we interact with the world around us.
